True love
by jabeofcheem
Summary: Castiel Novak is having the worst time of his life, at 30 he's single, doing a job he hates, and has a family that wants nothing to do with him, he's a broken man...and then he meets Dean a man with problems of his own but who fast becomes the only light in his depressing existence
1. Chapter 1

**AN: ahhh I'm so nervous but here goes nothing, I'm not sure where this is going yet but I'm going to try it out for a bit, I'll be updating every two days... anyway I hope you enjoy my first attempt at Destiel, reviews are always welcome even if it's to correct my grammar :)**

Chapter 1: First encounters.

Castiel Novak was always searching for someplace that would make him feel safe,warm and loved, but he found no comfort in any part of this depressing thing he called his life. He wore out his heart looking in all the places you're supposed to, family, work, love, but those things brought him nothing but misery, simply put his life was a depressing mishmash of failures. The worst part of this shit storm, was that he tried, god knows he tried so hard but still it didn't matter, his soul was still being crushed by the dreary work he did, and family, well that was just a word, there was no warmth or familiarity to be found there only humiliation and anger. As for love, he was always the loser because, he loved too hard, too enthusiastically, too completely, he wanted so much but the people he wanted never wanted him back in the same way.

So here he was on a Tuesday night sitting alone in a seedy bar, downing his god knows what number whiskey, eyes lowered shoulders slumped, a pathetic sight, sighing Castiel staggered to his feet trying to make his way to the exit. He manages about half way through before he bumps into a solid figure, his unsteady feet don't hold him up and he finds himself on his knees, the guy he knocks into is flat on his arse.

"I'm s-sorry...I'm sorry", Castiel mumbles, his head lowered dejectedly as he refuses to meet the persons eyes, when suddenly there's a gentle reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"s'okay man, it was an accident", the voice is strangely comforting, sighing the man helps Castiel up, still refusing to meet his eyes Castiel tries to move past him but his legs wobble unsteadily and it seems as if he's gone fall again but then there's a firm grip on his arm and his body shudders at the touch, startled he looks up, finally their gazes meet, and the air around seems to thicken, their breaths stilling as they stare at each other with an intensity strange for two people who've just met.

"s-sorry...thank you", Castiel mumbles lowering his gaze as the man's arm drops away, the man rubs the back of his neck as he regains control of his breathing.

"no problem man...erm you okay", the man asks, Castiel's gaze flickers up before quickly looking away again.

"fine...thank you", again he's pushing past the man as he makes his way out of bar, the man watches the swishing of the long tan trench coat , clinging to the man's slumped shoulders as they disappear through the door. Sighing the man turns to walk towards the bar when he kicks something looking down he sees a wallet, picking it up he opens it and finds himself staring back at an old photo of the mumbling man in the trench coat. Like a shot he's out the door looking frantically down the street, in the distant he makes out the faint silhouette of trench coat, he runs towards him grabbing his arm and swinging the man around, once again he is assaulted by bluest eyes he's ever seen and equally the saddest.

"you dropped this.." the man says breathlessly handing the wallet over, Castiel takes it extremely aware that the man is still holding his arm.

"thank you..." the voice that leaves the man this time is gravelly and low, he's no longer mumbling, as the man realises he's still holding onto Castiel's arm he lets go, rubbing the back of his neck to hide his embarrassment.

"s'okay you're just having one of those nights", the man says, Castiel frowns.

"what nights" he asks waiting expectantly, the man shrugs casually.

"one where everything goes wrong" Castiel lowers his gaze, his fist clenching.

"everything always goes wrong", Castiel says quietly, its the man's turn to frown, there's a long uncomfortable pause.

"it'll pass..the bad times don't last forever", the man says slowly as he's suddenly overwhelmed with a desire to comfort the shorter man.

"I really wish..that was the case", comes the solemn reply as Castiel begins to leave, the man panics.

"Dean...", the man suddenly shouts startling Castiel who turns back around and tilts his head staring at the man curiously.

"I'm Dean...Dean Winchester y'know incase you were wondering", he says laughing nervously as he offers his hand, Castiel gazes at the outstretched hand before taking it tentatively and as there fingers wrap around each other, it seems like a bolt of electricity reverberates through their bodies for the third time that night.

"Castiel...Castiel Novak", and then they're just staring at each other, eyes locked, hands clasped together, Dean breaks the handshake first.

"that's er...an interesting name", Castiel gaze is still on Dean who feels it as it sears his face making him feel warm and prickly all over.

"well that's one of the kinder things that's been said about it", Castiel states simply, dean smiles relieved he hadn't insulted the fragile man, there's a moment of awkwardness as neither one says a word.

"this might seem a little strange..but I was wondering if you'd maybe wanna stay in contact...it's just I recently moved here and I don't have many friends and er...I thought maybe", Dean trails off, noticing the man's slightly bewildered expression.

"you...want to be my friend" Dean doesn't miss the disbelief in the man's voice.

"er yeah...if you'll have me", Castiel eyes widens as he clears his throat.

"okay", he says in almost a whisper, Dean smacks the side of his arm in delight Castiel gazes at him, as an intoxicating smile breaks out across the man's face, illuminating his already beautiful features, starting with those effervescent green eyes and as he basks in the man's warmth a small smile graces Castiel's lips. Dean takes out his phone and hands it to Castiel.

"put your number in", he says , and Castiel does.

"give me your phone", slowly Castiel takes his phone and hands it to Dean, who quickly punches in his digits before handing the phone back.

"well...I gotta get back to my brother, he's probably wandering where the hell I've gone" Dean says reluctantly looking back towards the bar.

"of course", Castiel says his shoulders deflating as disappointment seeps into his voice.

"unless...er you wanna come back and have a drink with me", Castiel's heart picks, but he shakes the feeling away, _he probably just feels sorry for me _he thinks.

"I think I've had enough drinks for one night", Castiel says stoically, Dean nods.

"another time then...Cas", the nickname just slips out, Castiel tilts his head.

"Cas", he sounds slowly, Dean watches his lips as he forms the word.

"erm your name's kinda long...you don't mind, do you?", Dean asks worriedly eyes flickering back up to meet his.

"no...I like it, no ones ever given me a nickname before", there's sadness in Cas' voice and Dean wants nothing more than to embrace the shorter man and tell him everything's going to be alright.

"good glad you like it..I have to go, but I'll hear from you, right" Dean asks nervously.

"if that's what you want", Dean frowns at the response but shrugs it off as he waves and begins walking away, Castiel watches Dean's retreating back with an inexplicable sense of loss, a large part of him is hoping that Dean's offer of friendship is genuine, but another part, the pessimistic part is telling him that men like Dean Winchester don't become friends with men like Castiel Novak, the man probably just felt sorry for him. But for the first time in forever Castiel Novak finds himself telling his pessimistic voice to shut the hell up.

Castiel couldn't get to sleep that night, his mind brimming with the memory of the green-eyed man, his voice, his scent, his touch and then his heart began to swell with the thought that maybe he could be close to this man, close to Dean.

And so for the next three days Castiel was decidedly distracted, his eyes glazed over as he stared at the various figures on the spreadsheet, sighing he closed his eyes finding Deans face staring back at him, opening his eyes he sat forward groaning. Slowly he reached into his pocket pulling out his phone, and for a few minutes his hand hovered over Deans number, but at the very last second he decided against it, gently placing the phone back in his pocket.

Sitting in his new apartment, Dean held his phone tightly in his hand staring at Cas' number, should he call, maybe Cas didn't want to hear from him, he had practically forced Cas to be friends with him. Sighing Dean fell back on his bed groaning as he stared at the ceiling, as soon as he closed his eyes all he could see were those striking blue irises gazing back at him, sitting back up he frowned wondering what was wrong with him, he'd never thought about any guy this much before.

Another two days drifted by, without either of them finding the courage to call each other, Castiel was laying in bed after another dreary day at work when his phone rang, his heart jumped into his throat with anticipation as he lunged at the side table and picked it up.

"h-hello", he said breathlessly.

"Castiel", his heart dropped as his grip on the phone tightened.

"it's Anna...I just thought I'd let you know...dad's dead", there's a sharp inhale and then Castiel hangs up. The following morning Castiel calls in sick, he's never taken a sick day in his life, so his boss tells him to take as long as he needs. And he does lounging in his apartment, drinking anything he can find and after about three days of drinking, insomnia and starvation Castiel becomes less than a shadow of a man.

It's about 3 am when the loneliness of his existence, his anger and sadness become too overwhelming and with shaky hands he reaches for his phone and calls, the phone rings and rings and rings and finally someone answers.

"Cas..."Deans hoarse voice echoes through the line, Cas grips the phone tightly.

"d-dean...", his voice cracks with such despair that Dean sits up and turns on his side lamp.

"are you alright...what's the matter Cas...did something happen", the concern in Dean's voice pierces through the fog in Cas's mind and he smiles a little, tears rolling down his pale cheeks.

"I'm...sorry", Cas mumbles, Dean hears sniffling.

"Cas...tell me what's the matter", he gets no answer and then phone suddenly goes dead and Dean panics, he calls back time and time again, but there's no answer overwrought with panic. He gets out of bed and picks up his phone book and spends the rest of the night making a gazillion calls, by mid morning he knows where Cas lives, taking a deep breath he heads out to find the broken man with the pretty blue eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: saviour

Dean never thought he'd be standing outside a strangers apartment at two in the afternoon, banging on his door as if his life depended on it, but here he was.

"Cas! It's Dean...open up...Cas", his fists pummeled against the hard wood, but still there was no answer "come on man...open up", Dean leaned in pressing his ear against the door listening for any movement, he groaned with frustration at the accompanying silence "Cas...I'm gonna break the door down if you don't open up", when nothing happened Dean began forcefully kicking the door, till it fell off its hinges, swinging open and finally giving Dean access to Cas' home.

Walking in slowly Dean was almost immediately hit with the smell, a mixture of festering dirt and misery, kicking a few empty cans aside Dean found himself in the open kitchen and dining area, which unfurled into the living room, there was a small corridor on the other side, taking a deep breath Dean walked across , he opened the first room, it was a bathroom, he opened the next room finding himself in a large bedroom where his eyes drifted to the large bed where a figure lay crumpled up amongst the sheets, a handful of black hair poking out the top"Cas...", a crippling anxiety wrapped itself around Dean's heart as he approached, gently pulling back the covers he was faced with a withered man who looked liked he was on the brink of death, shaky fingers found their way to Cas's nose before a heavy sigh left Dean's lips, Cas was still breathing.

"Cas...come on wake up man...Cas", stroking his cheek, pushing back his hair, Dean slowly felt for his pulse, it was there but very weak taking a deep breath, he called for an ambulance.

Two days later Cas opened his eyes finding himself staring at fluorescent lighting, turning his head to the side he noticed the IV drip hanging by his bed. Turning his head again he was startled to find Dean Winchester, the man who had plagued his dreams slouched in a chair by his bed asleep, it was a long while before Dean began grumbling as he woke to find curious blue eyes staring back at him.

"Cas...you're awake", Dean sighed in relief.

"D-Dean...what..", Cas' hoarse voice trailed off as he gazed desperately at the green-eyed man beside him.

"do you remember what happened", Dean asked slowly .

"not really...everything is a bit fuzzy", Dean nodded, his eyes glazing over with a unnatural amount of concern.

"you called me Cas...you sounded like you were dying and when I found you...I thought maybe...anyway I brought you here" shaking his head Dean cleared his throat, fixing Cas with a serious and somewhat disappointed gaze.

"I'm sorry I caused you trouble Dean", Cas said solemnly.

"you don't have to be sorry Cas...just don't do anything like that again...what if you hadn't called me...it doesn't bear thinking about...no matter how bad things are, that's never the answer", and then it dawned on Castiel, Dean thought he had tried to kill himself.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself Dean...I was just trying to escape my own head", Cas said tiredly

"that's good to hear...that y'know you weren't trying to kill yourself...but you gotta be careful with the whole drowning your sorrows approach Cas, it doesn't work believe me...it really doesn't", Cas sensed that there were was a story behind those words, which was sadly confirmed by the expressions of, guilt, regret and sadness swirling around in those luminous green eyes.

"Thank you for your concern Dean...it is appreciated", Dean's gaze flickered up to meet Cas', offering him a small gentle smile.

"no problem Cas... I just didn't think our friendship would start with me kicking down your door", Cas' eyes widened, noticing Dean began rubbing his neck nervously.

"you consider us friends...", Cas said slowly, Dean's eyes widened as he froze and then he began laughing hysterically startling Cas who frowned, confusion evident in his tired eyes.

"I thought...you were mad about your door", Dean said wiping tears from his eyes.

"ah yes...", Cas murmured offhandedly "...I'm just surprised I didn't think you'd want to be friends...you didn't call", Cas stated calmly not looking at Dean.

"'Cas...I was going to but I didn't think you'd wanna hear from me...besides you didn't call either", finally looking up their gazes synced a million questions swirling in their eyes as they tried to get a read on the each other.

"of course I'd want to hear from you Dean.. and I wanted to call you but I was scared", leaning forward Dean gazed at Cas curiously.

"scared...what were you scared of Cas", Cas took a deep breath.

" I was scared that perhaps you didn't mean what you said about us being friends...I thought maybe that you were just being nice...I thought-" Cas' nervous mumbling came to an end when he felt the warmth of Dean's hand as it clamped around his shoulder.

"I wasn't just being nice Cas...and I don't give my number to just anyone, in-fact very few people have it, you're the first new person I've given it to in almost three years", their gazes met again and a warmth neither man had felt in a long while surged through their chests, filling their broken souls with hope.

"why me Dean...why me", Dean understood the question he was asking, leaning back in his chair he rubbed his chin.

"honestly Cas... it was because you looked as broken as I felt...and somehow it was comforting..does that make sense...", Dean searched Cas's eyes waiting to see if he'd ruined a friendship before it had even begun.

"it makes perfect sense...it's a very human trait to be drawn to people who resemble you", and then Cas offered Dean a small sad smile trying to reassure him, to make sure he understood that he wasn't offended or upset.

"er thanks Cas, for getting it...anyway you don't have worry about your stuff...I had someone fix your door", Dean said slowly as if he was still testing the water.

"I'm not worried , there's nothing of value in my apartment", Cas said dismissively as he gazed at the ceiling.

"oh..okay", and suddenly those piercing blue eyes were on him again and Dean shuffled, unnerved by intensity of the stare, a stare that seemed to pierce right through his skin sending warm and tingly feelings through his entire being.

"How did you find me Dean", his gravelly voice was back and it sent shivers down Dean's spine, causing him to squirm in his chair, anxious about all the foreign feelings that were suddenly flooding his body.

"you're name's kinda of unique Cas...and it's not that hard to find someone when your' a co-...ex-cop" Dean cleared his throat at the end of the sentence the words coming out almost strangled, Cas watched him carefully knowing there was a story there.

"I see...thank you", Cas said simply turning away again focusing his gaze on the ceiling, allowing Dean to breathe.

"you don't have to keep thanking me Cas..I'm just glad you're okay", Dean responds as he tries to hide how utterly exhausted he is , but Cas can see it, even as he tries to stifles a yawn.

"you should go home Dean, you're tired", Dean bolts up rubbing his eyes.

"I'm fine Cas...really", he adds noticing the unconvinced gaze of the fragile man who is staring at him again with those mesmerising blue eyes which always feel like they're boring into his soul, stopping him from breathing normally, and he thinks about how it makes him feel nervous and special at the same time, their staring match is interrupted when a doctor walks in and clears his throat, both men jump a little as they turn their gazes to the man in the white coat.

"how are you feeling Mr Novak", the doctor asks as he picks up his chart.

"fine, thank you", Cas replies with that raspy voice of his.

"I'm glad to hear it..well it looks like you're ready to be discharged, your vitals are good...although I think it would do you good to see a psychologist", says the doctor carefully, Cas frown.

"I didn't try to kill myself..I just got carried away" Cas states calmly, the doctor smiles gently.

"I didn't mean any offence...I just think talking to someone would help", Cas sighs, not wanting to get into it with the doctor.

"I understand", Cas replies tiredly, nodding the doctor puts down the chart and leaves.

A couple of hours later Deans arm was firmly wrapped around Cas' waist as he hauled him up the small set of stairs leading up to the apartment, truthfully Cas could probably walk on his own but Dean insisted and Cas couldn't say no, as they stumble through the door Cas gasps immediately as he takes in the state of his apartment, before turning abruptly to stare at the man beside him.

"Dean...did you", Cas trials off, Dean turns his head to meet the gaze of man who looks like he's found the greatest treasure on earth, his eyes already glazing over with tears.

"your were asleep for awhile...I thought it'd be nice to come to back to a clean place", Dean mumbles nervously, and then suddenly that small body is pressed up against his, shaky hands coming up to wrap around his neck, a face is buried in his neck, Dean immediately stiffens surprised by the sudden outburst, before relaxing and lifting his arms, returning the tender embrace.

"you didn't..have to..I'm not..you...thank you", Cas is crying, Dean can feel his body trembling as warm tears fall against the exposed skin on his neck.

"s'okay Cas...everything is gonna be okay", Dean comforts, his voice low and warm, eventually Cas calms down and pulls away looking down sheepishly clearly embarrassed by his outburst.

"I'm sorry Dean, I don't know what came over me...it's just that you took time out of your life to help me...you don't even know me and I was just overwhelmed..no one's ever", Cas trials off not sure how to continue.

"jeez Cas...I didn't do anything that great, it's nothing really", Deans rubs the back of his neck as he stares at top of Cas' bowed head, when it suddenly whips up and those blazing blue eyes are piercing his soul once again.

"its not nothing, it means a lot to me...it means a lot more than you could ever imagine" and then Cas smiles a small barely there thing, and Dean wonders if maybe it's one of the most beautiful things he's ever seen and then his inner voice interrupts _get a grip Winchester...don't get carried away_ Dean shakes his head, Cas is now staring at him a little confused and then Dean realizes he hasn't said anything for awhile.

"you deserve good things Cas", Dean says with a gentle smile, and then Cas is giving him that gaze again, the one that makes him feel special.

"you really think so", there's a plea in Cas' voice, a disbelief, a curiosity, and Dean realizes that Cas doesn't believe he deserves anything, gently Dean places his hand on Cas' shoulder and gives a squeeze.

"I do Cas, I really do", Dean's voice is firm and comforting, his touch sending terrifying waves of warmth through Cas's body who realizes with a growing sense of fear that he really doesn't want him to leave. Slowly Dean's hand slips off Cas' shoulders, who misses the warmth almost immediately.

"you should get some rest Cas", Cas nods, but all he wants to do is shake his head and ask Dean to stay, but they've only just decided to become friends, and he doesn't want to scare Dean away.

"I will", Cas says with a tired smile as he hovers not sure whether to go or wait for Dean to.

"I stocked up your fridge, there's some containers of food in their, make sure to eat and call me if anything happens, actually just call me anyway, if I don't hear from you I'll come back and kick your door down again", Deans says sternly but his eyes are a breadth of warmth, Cas looks like he's going to cry again, panicking Dean who grabs his shoulders.

"Cas...what's the matter...are you okay", there's that concern again and Cas' heart swells.

"Nothing...", is murmured as tears begin falling from those beautiful cerulean eyes, Dean lets go of Cas shoulders as he reaches up slowly and gently brushes Cas' tears away with the tips of his fingers.

"Cas...you gotta help me out here buddy, what's the matter", Cas takes a deep breath.

"it's just, I've forgotten what it's like to have someone care...Thank you Dean", Cas says seeing Dean visibly relax as he steps back and gazes at Cas warmly.

"you gotta stop thanking me...we're friends okay", Deans says with a smile.

"okay", Cas whispers back.

"I gotta go...you better call me", Dean says sternly from the door.

"I will", Cas answers firmly determination etched in his eyebrows, Dean lingers for a second gazing at Cas before turning and shutting the door.

AN: _Thanks to those of you who've followed and favourited I really appreciate it, I'm getting a vague idea of where this is going so I hope you like it, reviews are always welcome :)_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3; Chicken soup and Pie.

After leaving Cas's apartment Dean didn't head straight home, instead he made his way to his brother's house, who was less then happy with him.

"what the hell Dean!...where have you been, I haven't been able to reach you for days, I even went to your apartment,", Sam waits glaring at his older brother.

"Christ Samantha, would you calm down", Deans huffs as he slumps down in an arm chair.

"Dean...", Sam says warningly.

"I'm sorry I didn't call Sammy...I was helping out a friend", the anger fades from Sam's face and is replaced by confusion.

"you don't have any friends Dean", Sam states carefully.

"way to make me sound like a loser Sammy", Deans says with mock hurt, Sam rolls his eyes.

"but you don't have... friends" Sam insists.

"look I made a new friend alright...and he was in a bad place and I had to help him", Deans says frustration seeping into his voice, Sam's face softens.

"look I don't mean to be so intense...it's just the last time you fell of the grid...", Sam trails off as he sits down on the sofa next to the arm chair.

"I know Sammy...I know it won't happen again", Dean sighs heavily as he closes his eyes.

"so a new friend huh...is he a good person", Dean rolls his eyes.

"yes mum he's a good person, I promise he won't get me in any trouble" Sam scowls, giving Dean bitch face 4.0, he has a whole catalogue.

"alright ...I'll lay off" Sam relents leaning back in the chair as Dean chuckles, lightly ruffling Sam's hair before standing up.

"I know you're worried Sammy but I'm fine", Sam follows his brother as he heads towards the door.

"why don't you stay Dean, Jess will be back soon, we can have dinner together" and then there's that puppy dog expression that Sam's mastered over the years and Dean almost caves in when he's suddenly bombarded with Cas' teary blue eyes, and the promise to wait for his call.

"thanks but I'm knackered, I think I'm just gonna head home and sleep", Dean says tiredly.

"okay...just don't be a stranger", Sam says clearly disappointed.

"I won't.." Dean states firmly as he walks down the stairs away from his brother.

"and Dean", Sam calls out , Dean turns around to meet his little brothers gaze.

"what Sammy", Dean sighs tiredly.

"it's Sam", his little brother states with a mocking smirk, Dean rolls his eyes.

"yeah yeah...bitch", Dean retorts with faux malice.

"Jerk!", Sam shouts, Dean laughs as he starts moving again.

Dean practically passes out when he gets back to his apartment, three days of running around cooking, cleaning and visiting Cas has definitely taken it's toll. Even in his haze Dean still takes out his phone and holds it in his hand, pressing it firmly to his chest waiting for Cas' calls. Its around 8 when Deans phone rings startling him from his sleep induced coma, clearing his throat he slowly brought the phone to his ear.

"hey Cas", even to his own ears he sounded groggy.

"hello Dean...did I wake you", Dean can hear the concern in Cas' voice.

"it's fine Cas...I needed to get up anyway", sitting up Dean rubs his eyes.

"are you sure", Cas is still worried Dean sighs.

"seriously it's more than fine...how are you feeling, did you eat", Dean asks.

"yes I did...I found the food you left for me, the chicken soup was delicious", Dean smiles as he listens to Cas' warm voice.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it-" Dean begins.

"oh very much so", Cas interrupts excitedly making Dean chuckle "it's been a long time since anyone's cooked for me", Dean feels Cas' mood dampen at the observation, so he clears his throat.

"did you try the pie", Cas can sense the nervousness behind the question.

"it was delicious, thank you Dean", Cas can almost here Dean sigh with relief, can almost feel his smile.

"I'm glad you liked it, pie is the best thing in the world", there's genuine affection in Dean's voice, and it makes Cas smile to know that something as simple as pie can make that man happy.

"I take it you like pie then", Cas says slowly, wanting to keep hearing the warm timber of Dean's voice.

"oh man I love it... it's my all time favourite food" Cas can hear the almost infectious excitement in Deans voice.

"Dean...", Cas asks gently.

"yeah Cas" Dean waits as the pause stretches out.

"erm...would you maybe..", Cas gulps trying to swallow down his nervousness.

"what Cas..", Dean pushes gently, Cas takes a deep breath trying to expel his cowardice.

"if you're not too busy...would you like..to maybe hang out, of course I completely understand if you can't...", Cas mumbles nervously and Dean smiles finding it far too endearing.

"I'd love to Cas, just name the time and place", Cas inhales sharply as Dean finally puts him out of his misery.

"oh okay...erm how about two days from now at my place", Dean can still hear the fear in Cas' voice as if he's expecting him to suddenly change his mind and Dean wonders if a lot of people in Cas' life have disappointed him.

"I'll be there", Dean states firmly hearing Cas sigh loudly, clearly a little more than relieved.

"okay, I'll see you then", Cas says quietly, and then they both simply hover on the line neither knowing whether to hang up or not.

"what time do you want me Cas", as soon as the sentence leaves his mouth, Dean finds a blush creeping up into his cheeks as his brain nose dives into the gutter.

"anytime after 4 is fine Dean", Cas replies not missing a beat, Dean sighs Cas didn't seem to have noticed.

"okay, I'll see you then , bye Cas", Cas clutched the phone tighter he wanted to talk to Dean for a bit longer, but he didn't want to push it.

"Goodbye Dean", he said reluctantly, before hanging up.

For the next two days Cas ran around preparing for Dean's arrival, he'd honestly never been as excited as he was at this very moment, Dean wasn't doing much better he swayed in-between extreme excitement and fear. Finally the eventful day came round, dressed in pair of faded jeans, an old black Sabbath t-shirt and his leather jacket he shuffled nervously in front of Cas' door, _come on Winchester man up_, Dean knocked and a couple of seconds later the door swung open. Wide blue eyes stared back at Dean, flakes of dried flour on his cheeks, Deans eyes trailed down to the apron wrapped around Cas' slender hips, before going back up to those eyes.

"h-hello Dean...", Cas shuffled nervously under Deans gaze feeling it rake up and down his body, clearing his throat Dean laughed nervously.

"been battling with flour Cas", Dean said trying to deflate the tension he had created, Cas frowned but stepped aside to let Dean in, shutting the door he turned back to face Dean.

"why would I battle with flour Dean", Cas asked seriously, Dean run his hand through his head.

"it's an expression Cas...", Cas's face relaxed as he practically sprinted back to the kitchen, leaving Dean to follow him as the kitchen came into view Dean's eyes widened as he took in the flour which was covering almost all the surfaces, there were strawberries on the floor, chopped apples in the sink, a fallen case of flour, a sprinkling of sugar on the floor and almost everything else.

"what's going on Cas...it looks like a bomb exploded in here", Cas turned around head lowered slightly with embarrassment.

"I've been cooking...it's been awhile", Dean leaned against the counter watching Cas with a gentle expression.

"you didn't have..cook for me y'know", Cas looks up his eyes wide with worry.

"I thought you liked pie.." before he can even read Deans reaction, Dean is suddenly invading his personal space and Cas' breath hitches as sparkling green eyes are surrounding him, and there's two arms holding onto his shoulders.

"you made me pie...", there's so much emotion in Deans voice, joy, excitement, disbelief , and something else that Cas can't quite work out.

"p-pies..I made more t-than one", Cas stuttered completely overwhelmed by suddenly having Dean surrounding him and it only gets worse because then Deans expression changes and he seems awed and he's staring at Cas in a way no one has, he's staring at Cas like he matters, like he fucking matters and Cas' chest constricts as his heart swells and he can't breath, and then its all over far too quickly as Dean pulls back looking more than a little embarrassed.

"looks like this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship", Dean's expression calms down leaving Cas staring into those warm green eyes.

"I hope so, I sincerely hope so... Dean", and there it was again that fear, that disbelief that uncertainty, Cas was still afraid that Dean was going to leave, that he wasn't serious about being friends, Dean frowned.

"Cas I don't know what happened...but I'm not planning on just leaving …Cas if you only knew...what a big step..if", the atmosphere has suddenly darkened, it was the first time hearing such a despairing plea in Dean's voice and Cas felt guilty for causing it.

"why don't we have some pie", Cas said turning away, wanting to lighten the mood.

"pie sounds great", comes Dean's soft reply as he watches Cas' slender fingers struggle with the knots on his apron.

"just give me a second" Dean can hear the frustration in Cas' voice.

"let me", shivers ripple through Cas at the sound of that voice, and he freezes the sensation of Dean's warm breath gently licking at the base of his neck completely fuddling his brain. He can feel the heat from the body standing directly behind him almost pressing into his back, can smell that intoxicating aroma of cologne leather and something indescribably Dean. There's a slight tug on his apron as Dean works the knot, and he feels it becoming undone and he waits for Dean to move away so he can breath again. But Dean remains where he is inhaling Cas' scent, transfixed by the pale expanse of his neck, entranced by his nervous shivering.

"Dean..", Cas calls quietly.

"yeah Cas", Cas shivers again at feeling of warm puffs of air grazing his neck.

"we should have pie", there's a pause and then he feels the warmth leave his back, turning slowly he sees that Dean is now a feet away staring at Cas with bewildered and nervous eyes, a faint blush colouring his cheekbones.

After that incident Dean went and sat in the dining area, slightly away from Cas who tided himself up, as he cut the pies before organising them on a large plate and placing them on the centre of the table.

"wow Cas...it smells so good", Dean's mouth was practically watering at the sight of his favourite food, sitting down next to Dean, Cas smiled.

"I didn't know what you'd like, so I made apple, cherry and banoffee pie..", the rest of Cas's sentence gets lost in Dean's eyes which are once again gazing at him with that awed expression.

"why are you alone Cas", the question takes them both by surprise, there was such sadness in Deans eyes as he gazed at Cas, whose blue eyes turned away not sure what to do with the question.

"Dean I...", but he trailed off looking down, kneading his hands nervously, and then a hand covered his causing his heart to leap out of sync and his skin to tingle warmly, turning slowly Cas's weary gaze finally met Dean's.

"you deserve so much Cas...you deserve everything", Cas lips trembled.

"I..don't deserve anything...I'm not worth anything...I'm not...", Cas shied away trying to pull his hand away from Dean's whose grip simply tightened as he yanked Cas forward so that they were almost nose to nose.

"you're not nothing Cas...whoever made you believe that is a liar", there was a fierceness in Deans voice that slightly startled Cas, a determination in those green eyes and he was so close and they were breathing the same air, and Cas was utterly lost.

"I don't know if I can believe that", Cas said quietly.

"then I guess I'll just have to make you believe it", and then there it was again that gentle comforting smile, which basked Cas in a warmth he wanted to drown in.

_Thanks for reading, so what do you guys think so far, feedback would be great :)_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Movie nights

The air became thick with something unfamiliar, longing, desire, lust and as their breaths continued to mingle in the small gap between their warm bodies, a panic started swelling in the pit of Cas's stomach.

"we should have some pie...I heard it's nicer warm", Cas said quickly leaning back as Dean sighed, this was going to take some time.

Picking up the fork Dean dug it into the bonoffee pie, Cas watched with intense interest as he raised the piece into his mouth, watched as those kissable lips wrapped around the spoon, and his long lashes closed over his emerald eyes, waiting as he savoured the taste. And then Dean let out a moan of pleasure that was nothing short of pornographic causing Cas to shift in his chair, his eyes widening, his heart racing, his body feeling hot all over.

"oh..my god...Cas ..where have you been all my life", opening his mouth Cas tries to respond but nothing comes out, Dean's far too busy devouring the pie to notice the flustered man beside him.

"I'm glad you liked it", Cas says quietly looking at his hands. Placing the fork down Dean turns to face the man beside him, his gaze penetrating the pale skin as he waits, baiting Cas to look up and he does and once again they're caught in an intense staring match and then almost in slow motion Dean's leans in again , and Cas' breath hitches as their noses slightly touch.

"I didn't just like it Cas...I loved it", he says in that gentle warm voice, and Cas thinks his heart might explode from all the swelling its doing, before the intimacy of the situation overwhelms him and he jolts back again.

"well..I hope this means our friendship can..er reach new heights", Cas stutters awkwardly, his face flushed.

"to infinity and beyond", Dean chuckles at his own 'joke' if you can call it that, settling down he notices Cas' absolutely blank expression.

"tell me you know where that phrase is from...", Cas's face remains blank.

"I'm afraid not Dean...is it a movie reference by any chance", Cas inquires innocently.

"yeah...you're telling me you've never seen toys story", Dean asks curiously, Cas simply shakes his head.

"I'm afraid I haven't seen a great deal of movies", comes the placid reply.

"how many have you seen...", Dean asks curiously.

"two...one was a religious documentary..and the other was a French film call Le Tableau, it was quite enjoyable", Dean looks distressed on Cas' behalf.

"aww man that's kinda sad...we gotta do something about that Cas", Cas frowned stroking his jaw in contemplation.

"what do you suggest Dean", those playful green orbs were suddenly engulfed with excitement.

"weekly movie nights...", Cas eyes lit up immediately, the prospect of seeing Dean every week for an indeterminate amount of time filling his heart with joy.

"you'd really do that", Dean's heart stuttered as Cas crowded into his personal space staring at him with those goddam eyes, Dean gulped _they're so blue._

"yeah err...Cas of course", _I'd do anything for you_ Dean shook his head wondering where that thought had come from. Leaning back Cas was still smiling, a beautiful toothy grin and Dean smiled right back.

"where do you suggest we start", Cas asked, watching as Dean's nervous eyes became playful, a devilish glint swirling in his emerald irises.

"how about a horror movie...get our blood pumping", Cas's smile faltered as he tried to keep the nervousness off his face, he didn't want Dean to know he was scared of a little film.

"that sounds fine" Cas replied as placidly as possible, but Dean could detect the slight tremble in his voice.

"you sure Cas...sure you won't get scared", Cas eyes widened.

"of course not Dean, I know it's not real", Dean smiled.

"is that right", Dean's voice was teasing.

"of course Dean", Cas insisted as Dean chuckled. They spent the rest of the evening compiling a long list of the movies they were going to watch, it was pretty late when Dean finally decided to leave.

Sitting in his brothers house Dean was relaxed eating dinner whilst chatting amicably with his brothers fiancé.

"so er hows your friend", Dean set down his fork.

"his name is Castiel and he is fine", Sam raised an eyebrow.

"wow...you're friends with a an angel", Dean frowned.

"what are you talking about Sammy"

"oh come on...didn't you pay attention to bible studies he's the angel of Thursday" Sam spoke slowly as if he was explaining something to a toddler.

"sorry we all can't be nerds like you Samantha", Dean's smug expression only made Sam roll his eyes.

"jerk"

"bitch"

"settle down boys..." Jess chastised playfully before turning her attention to Dean "so what's he like".

"he's really great Jess, supper kind and sweet...and grateful you should have seen his face after I cleaned his apartment, or when I complimented his pie making skills...he just kept looking at me y'know with those big blue eyes like I'd done something great...anyway he's a little withdrawn but he's great...you should have seen his face when I suggested we have weekly movie nights..he", Dean trailed off as he took in the bewildered expressions of the two people in front of him.

"you cleaned his apartment", unveiled disbelief reverberated through Sam's voice as he addressed his brother.

"yeah I did", Deans' shoulders tensed.

"and he made you pie", Sam continued.

"what of it", Deans' voice was defensive.

"Sam", Jess warned in tone that basically said shut the hell up.

"and you're going to have weekly movie nights", Sam continued ignoring her.

"is there something you wanna say Sam", Dean's eyes were nothing but narrow slits as they regarded his little brother.

"look Dean..it's just you barely know this guy and you're cleaning his apartment and eating his food...and movie nights?!...I just worry that you're getting in too deep...what if he hurts you..you might not recover this time...you might-"

"what Sam... fall apart again", Dean was half standing.

"Dean it's just last..."

"what Sam...fucking say it, that I might go a bit crazy...fall of the wagon...lose my fucking mind!" Dean was shouting now.

"Dean..", Sam pleaded.

"do you have any idea what it feels like to have your little brother look at you... like you're a broken fucking doll...like you're worthless" the pain in Dean's voice, tore at Sam's insides.

"Dean that's...", Sam tried again getting desperate.

"I fucked up Sam..I know that..I don't need you to remind me everytime I see you", with that Dean grabbed his jacket and exited his brothers apartment leaving Sam and Jess to sit there in silence stewing in the aftermath of what just happened.

"Jess I was only...", Sam tried cradling his head in his hands.

"I know Sam...I know", a warm hand rubbed soothing circles into his back as Sam tried to figure out what to do.

Diving into the draws Dean pulled out a bottle of malt whiskey, finding comfort in the burning sensation of liquor, offering escape from his pain, anger, everything. As the days drifted on Dean refused to speak to his little brother, he instead waited patiently till he could see Cas again, Cas would make him feel better, he had too.

Tense and pensive Dean stood in front of Cas' door, but as it swung open all his bad feelings seemed to melt away, his body visibly relaxed, his eyes softening, his mouth breaking out into a smile all because of those sapphire spheres.

"hello Dean", that gravelly voice sent butterflies to wreak havoc with Dean's stomach.

"er hey Cas.." Dean rubbed the back of his neck, trying shake off his nervousness. Cas led Dean to the sofa, whose his eyes flickered over the snacks laid out on table in-between the TV and the sofa and he smiled at Cas who returned the sentiment before going off. A few seconds later the lights in the living room dimmed, Dean gulped suddenly feeling hot all over, clearing his throat he worked the DVD player and inserted the film before settling down on the sofa to wait for Cas. A few seconds later Cas sat down leaving a healthy amount of space between himself and Dean.

"I thought we'd start off with something good...The ring", Dean said as the credits rolled on , Cas simply nodded eyes fixed on the screen, shaking his head Dean wondered when Cas would call chicken and ask him to stop the movie.

Dean eased into the sofa as the movie got going, as the tension on screen escalated Cas shifted on the sofa till he was pressed up against Deans side, who felt the warmth of the smaller man's body almost immediately. Turning he gazed at the side of his face, drinking in his apprehensive expression as he continued to watch the unfolding drama, the proximity only got worse, soon enough Cas was practically sitting in Dean's lap. Who froze as the warmth of the shorter man seeped into his skin setting his body on fire, a sweat broke out across his forehead as Cas slender fingers dug into his arm. A jump scare forced Cas head onto Deans shoulder, a harrowing scene forced Cas's face into the crook of Deans neck, his whole body was turned into Dean as he clung desperately to the lean firm body beside him, moving slowly Dean picked up the remote and paused the film.

"Cas..", he asked the man beside him stilled, Dean could feel his rugged breath against the nape of his neck.

"Dean..", came the raspy response, Dean gulped shuddering that gravelly voice was doing things to him, Cas made no attempt to move away and Dean made no attempt to push him off. Then almost in slow motion Cas pressed his lips against Dean's neck, a soft barely there flutter of intimacy, Dean let out a breathy sigh encouraged by the response, Cas pressed more firmly and then he began to drag those scorching lips from the base of Dean's neck to the hollow of his throat and Dean's whole body trembled as his eyes eased to a close.

_Sorry it's a taken a bit longer then was planned, but I hope it was worth the wait, their relationship will be getting far steamer from this point on and fluffier...maybe a bit of angst for some good measure... feedback would be great :)_


	5. Chapter 5

**AN; hey sorry it's been awhile, I have been trying to sort out my student accommodation but that's over now, so I'll be updating very regularly, I hope you guys continue to enjoy this, reviews always welcome, so thank you!**

Chapter 5: Panic

Dean's whole body tingled as Cas' mouth worked over his throat, an embarrassingly low moan fell from between his lips suddenly jolting him from the warmth of Cas' mouth, as images he had long forgotten, and words he cared not to remember resurfaced with a vengeance. Jumping off the sofa Dean stumbled back as the man with the bright blue eyes wordlessly stared up at him, a deep flush coloured Dean's cheeks as he averted his gaze from the horrified stare in Cas' eyes, who was clearly repulsed by his own actions slowly he rose staggering towards Dean, who retreated stepping backwards.

"D-Dean...", Cas' voice pleaded, lips trembling as Dean moved further away.

"I- cant", and then it was almost like he couldn't move fast enough, in an instant Cas was left standing alone in his dimly lit apartment, feeling his heart begin to crumble in his chest.

Stumbling into his apartment, Dean lay there motionlessly breathing deeply, he could still feel the tingle of Cas' lips, where they'd pressed against his neck. That night neither man slept, Cas was too wreaked to even make it to his bedroom, he settled on his sofa and tried to sleep away his sorrow, convincing himself that everyone was right, he didn't deserve to be happy, he didn't deserve good things, he didn't deserve Dean.

Three days passed with no contact and god did they miss each other. Thankfully for Dean he still had Sammy, thanks to Jess wonderful abilities the brothers had reconciled and currently Dean was slouched on their sofa, blindly staring at the TV, looking like a lost puppy.

"Dean... you okay?", lost green eyes looked up meeting his little brother's gaze.

"I messed up...Sammy", there was a long silence, followed by a heavy sigh that sounded like the last cry of a dying animal.

"Cas...", Sam asked.

"Cas...", Dean echoed.

"what happened", Sam tried carefully.

"I wish I didn't feel a god-dam thing Sammy...I wish", Dean's words clawed up his throat painfully, trying to get out.

"Dean...it'll be okay", Sam tried reassuringly.

"not when I'm involved...I'm a fuck up, I should stay away from people, I'm-"

"Dean stop...I don't know what happened but you should talk to Cas, he's probably having just as bad a time" the firmness in Sam's voice made Dean pause for a second.

"I hurt him Sammy.. I don't deserve-" Dean began dejectedly.

"Don't start...not this again... you deserve good things and clearly Cas makes you happy, go see him", Dean closed his eyes but said nothing.

When he got back to his apartment he practically downed a bar, fuelled purely on Dutch courage, his drunk form, now stood at Cas's door, knocking at 1 in the morning. The door opened slowly and for a moment Cas' face seemed to lighten at seeing Dean, before immediately falling as his brain remembered what he'd done. Silently they stared at each other, Dean swayed leaning against the door frame his unfocused green eyes latched onto Cas.

"d-dean...I'm so sorry..I'm so", Cas voice was quite and pained , his beautiful eyes looking way, as his slender fingers dug into his arm.

"Cas...", Dean called out with that hoarse voice "I s-shouldn't ..have left like that", Dean stuttered , Cas' eyes widened.

"no..no...it's my fault I'm stupid..", Cas seemed to be flailing "I ruin everything..."

"Cas-"

"I don't deserve you...or anyone", it was almost like he couldn't see Dean anymore, he was lost in sea of his own insecurities.

"Cas-" Dean tried again stumbling forward.

"everyone was right..I'm nothing" and then Dean was lunging forward wrapping his arms around the smaller man, drowning in the sweet surprised gasp that fell from between Cas' enticing lips, he held him tightly burying his face in the crook of his neck.

"please stop Cas...don't...don't say those things", Dean mumbled into his neck "you're not nothing...you're special", Cas said nothing simply letting Dean hold him. As Dean began to sway Cas carefully pulled back in order to gaze into an unfocused green forest.

"I don't b-believe you...I want to..but", and then endless tears were falling from those big blue eyes and dean's heart broke all over again, lifting his hands Dean gently placed them on either side of Cas' trembling face, leaning forward he rested his forehead against Cas'.

"then let me prove it to you Cas...let me make you believe...that you're special...that you're beautiful..okay... please Cas...just say okay" Cas's wide eyes met Dean's finally, his head trying to find fault with sincerity in Dean's eyes, but ultimately his heart was too tired of denying it.

"okay..." Cas whispered as Dean staggered a little unsteadily on his feet, Cas held him up, a firm grasp on his arm, slowly he pulled Dean further in, slowly dragging him towards his room, gently he pushed Dean and he fell against his bed, nervously Cas removed Dean's shoes and socks , pulling him up he pushed the leather jacket off his back, smiling at the childish grumbling that followed his jostling. Feeling he'd made dean reasonably comfortable, Cas got up to go sleep on the sofa when a hand firmly grasped his wrist and he was pulled back onto the bed.

"don't go...stay with me...Cas", Dean mumbled tiredly, tugging his arm till Cas's body fell on bed.

"Dean.. I don't think-" Cas began nervously,

"please Cas..." his voice was so pleading, and honestly Cas didn't have it in him to deny the request.

"just till you sleep..", satisfied Dean let go of Cas' wrist, Cas lay on his back staring at the ceiling, while Dean lay on his side facing Cas. As Cas waited for Dean to fall into a deep sleep, his own eyes began drifting to a close.

It was the sunlight peeking through unfamiliar curtains that finally drew Dean out of his drunken slumber, slowly his eyes came to focus on a head of dark messy raven locks, against pale skin, long lashes, and chapped lips, Dean's heart gave an nervous larch. Slowly Dean became very aware of all the places their bodies were touching, firstly his arm which was securely wrapped around Cas's waist, and then the octopus like tangle of legs, and the fact that their foreheads were a millimetre from touching, Deans breaths became very shallow, but he made no attempt to pull away in fact he shuffled a little closer, the movement caused long dark lashes to unfold revealing those too blue eyes.

"d-dean", Cas stuttered, shock and fear working their way into his cerulean irises as he tried to pull away, but he couldn't Deans grip on his waist tightened, Cas wriggled trying to squirm away, but Dean held fast until Cas stopped moving staring at Dean in bewilderment

"god you're beautiful", Dean finally breathed causing Cas to momentarily stop breathing, his eyes wide, taking a deep breath Cas closed his eyes tight, taking another shaky breath he opened them, to find bemused green eyes gazing at him.

"you're real...", Cas whispered to himself, and then Dean laughed that beautiful, light chuckle that seemed to settle on Cas's chest making it swell squeezing a small smile onto Cas' lips, seeing it Deans' heart gave another lurch and he leaned in pressing a chaste kiss to Cas's lips, enjoying the sensation of his cool lips as they momentarily melded with his, and then very gently he pulled his arm away and untangled his limbs from Cas's before sitting up. Very slowly Cas also sat up his long fingers tracing his lips, feeling them tingle before looking over at Dean curiously, smiling dean simply reached out and ruffled Cas' hair.

"I'm hungry Cas", Dean said letting his hands fall, Cas cleared his throat as he began scrambling out of bed , almost falling over himself.

"yes..yes..food.." Cas muttered as he made his way out, Dean following closely behind and slipping into a chair in the kitchen as Cas scrambled around, dropping things and muttering to himself, Dean watched his eyes dancing with amusement wondering how one human being could be so adorable. Their domesticity was interrupted by a sharp knock at the door, Cas frowned as he made his way towards the front door, Dean followed out of curiosity, as the door swung open, all the air seemed to have been sucked out of the room.

"Raphael", Cas stated with a coldness Dean didn't think he was capable of.

"Castiel", the man replied in a equally cold voice.

"why are you here", Cas stated arms tightening around the door.

"our father is dead, Michael sent me to get you", there was clear venom in the man's voice.

"I'm not going back, tell Michael to leave me alone", Cas began closing the door but the man stopped him his eyes narrowing.

"isn't it enough that you've chosen this faggot lifestyle...", venom dripped from Raphael's voice, Cas tensed, Dean's heart plummeted

"leave!", Cas practically screamed.

"stop being an abomination Castiel...", Raphael continued unfazed,

"leave while I'm being nice ", a cruel laugh fell from Raphael's mouth and then his eyes focused on the figure behind Castiel.

"is this your knew _thing_..another abomination, another faggot, disgusting", Raphael spat out, Cas's eyes flashed with unfathomable anger and he lunged forward , his fist connecting with Raphael's jaw who staggered back in shock.

"stay out of my life", Cas hissed slamming the door shut, his limbs almost turning to jelly as he took a shaky breath "I..I'm sorry about that de-", Cas stopped as he took in the wide panicked look in Dean's eyes, his uneven breathing, the sweat clinging to his forehead, walking forward, Cas reached for Dean grasping his arm firmly.

"Dean...", he called out, nothing, if anything Dean's breathing became even more ragged, he began shaking as he slipped towards the floor, Cas following him, Cas grasped Dean's shoulder trying to catch his unfocused eyes.

"Dean...", Dean's eyes glazed over his limbs shaking almost uncontrollably, Cas panicked. He wrapped his arms around him tightly whilst gently rubbing his back,

"come back to me Dean...you're okay...your safe...your okay..breathe..please...you're safe", Cas continued after a few minutes, Dean's breathing evened out leaving his head resting on Cas' shoulders, they sat like that for awhile, before Dean pulled back, looking at Cas with weary anguished eyes.

"Cas...", his voiced croaked "I have to tell you..something", Deans said,

"me too", replied Cas "me too".


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Confessions

Dean's feet trembled as Cas pulled him up, the only thing keeping him standing was the firm grip of the smaller man as he gently herded him towards the sofa. Dean slumped on the sofa lying back staring at the ceiling as he took a shaky breath, all of a sudden an almost familiar warmth began coursing through his veins as he felt Cas' hand gently rub his shoulder, turning his head he met concerned blue eyes, sitting up he shuffled closer, slowly resting his head on the side of Cas' shoulder, the angle was a little awkward at first, but Cas turned so he that his whole body was facing Dean, his hand soothingly ran up and down Dean's arm, it completed a few runs before Dean abruptly grasped pulling towards his chest before gently placing it over his heart.

"Cas..." Dean called quietly, his warm breaths caressing Cas's neck.

"Yes Dean...", Cas waited with baited breath for whatever confession Dean wanted to make.

"I'm still hungry...", Dean sighed childishly, there was a short pause before Dean heard the most beautiful sound in his whole world, Cas' laughter gentle and sweet, sitting up he was transfixed by curve of Cas' smiling mouth, charmed by the laughter lines around his eyes, enthralled by the joy in those endless blue eyes, feeling Dean's intense gaze Cas' breath caught, his laughter faltering.

"..god you're pretty ", Cas' eyes widened, a deep blush colouring his pale cheeks, he cleared his throat embarrassingly stumbling to his feet.

"I'll make us some breakfast...and then we can talk", Cas said as he practically ran to the kitchen, Dean smiled as he watched the smaller man scuttle away. He watched Cas' back for awhile as he cooked, too many emotions flying around his heart, fear, excitement, desire, and lo- no , not that , he affirmed shaking his head, before his eyes landed back on Cas, and even more feelings swelled, before he knew what he was doing, he was standing behind the smaller man, feeling a presence Cas began to turn around when strong arms wrapped around him, and a face pressed into the small of his back.

"Cas...", Dean's voice cracked.

"Dean...what's the matter", Cas asked unconsciously leaning back into the warmth of Dean's chest.

"I suddenly feel a little upset...", Dean whispered,

"why..."

"because I like you...so much", Cas stopped breathing as Dean's words wormed their way into his heart. Gently Cas unclasped Dean's hands from around his waist, whilst remaining in his arms, he turned to face him, placing his hand on his chest, he gazed up at him with confused, weary eyes.

"you don't even know me...are you sure you want to say those words to... me," gently Dean brushed the tears which had begun cascading down Cas' cheeks.

"Cas... why don't you understand, that...that's the point even though, I don't know everything, I want to...the good and the bad... every part of you...I want all of it Cas", calloused fingers traced lines across pale cheeks, as green bore down on blue.

"really..."Cas asked quietly, having run out of words Dean did the best next thing, he showed him, warm plump lips were suddenly pressing firmly against' Cas mouth as Dean gently worked his mouth over Cas', trying to convey the fear, desire, and want that was coursing through his veins, it was mere seconds before Cas melted into the kiss, giving back as much as he got, when they finally pulled back, they were breathless, faces pink, lips swollen, warm smiles clinging to their mouths.

"guess that means you like me back...right Cas", although Dean asked it playfully Cas could see the apprehension flicker across those effervescent green eyes, gently he cupped his face.

"when I first met you, my heart was beating so fast... it still hasn't slowed down...Dean I like you much more than you could ever imagine", and then Cas smiled that warm smile of his, and Dean was a goner.

The hours flew by, as Dean and Cas enjoyed just being together, eating, watching more TV, just sitting together, and talking about all the frivolous things. Dean was clearly nervous about spilling everything first, Cas saw him as he continually opened his mouth, before clasping it tight, taking a shaky breath, and gritting his teeth, after the 8th time Cas made a decision.

"My father blamed me for my mothers death, so he used to beat me, everyday" the sentence hung between them heavy, leaving Dean slightly shocked by it's sudden appearance all he could do was stare at Cas' bowed, head. Taking a shaky breath Cas kneaded his hands nervously, eyes flickering sideways every now and then, to look at Dean. After a terse silence Dean finally found his voice.

"Cas...I...you don't...unless you want..but...Cas", Dean sighed clearly frustrated by his own incoherence, straightening up Cas looked at Dean and smiled gently as he placed his hand on his shoulder.

"it's okay Dean, I want to tell you...if you'll listen, I want to tell you", Cas said softly , blue eyes drowning in green a gentle plea in those cerulean irises.

"of course I'll listen...if you want to tell me, I'll listen", Dean replied just as gently as he took Cas' hand in his and gazing at it, as if it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, Cas gulped feeling heat pool in the pit of his stomach as Dean's gentle touches and strokes scorched his skin, he leaned in unconsciously, but Dean noticed, slowly and almost in slow motion he met cas half way placing a lingering kiss to base of Cas' neck, his lips moving gently over the pale expanse of skin, hearing the surprised gasp that fell from Cas' lips, Dean pulled back smiling.

"see...not going anywhere, not again", Dean said calmly, enjoying Cas flushed expression. Staring into Dean's eyes, Cas sighed smiling back before continuing.

"my mother died giving birth to me, there were some complications and she bleed out...", Cas took a shaky breath, Dean squeezed his hand.

"I was supposed to be a miracle but I ended up being a curse...for the first few years my father was too depressed to do anything but as I got older, I must have started to resemble her too much...it was almost as if a switched had been flicked...at first it was just verbal abuse.._.murderer, abomination, useless, worthless, you're nothing, nothing, die, I wished you'd died instead.._"Cas paused unable to go on, Dean shuffled closer and began to gently rub his back.

"s'okay Cas...I'm here.. we can stop...", taking a shaky breath, Cas offered Dean a weak smile before shaking his head.

"... it got worse after awhile because I refused to react to the verbal abuse.. so he began to hit me... a shove here, punch there, a kick...a belt, I started wearing long sleeves to school...and as for my brothers he slowly poisoned them against me...Gabriel the middle child tried to help but he got sick of our father and disappeared just as I started high school... at that time I started having feelings towards guys...my father caught me kissing a guy in my room...he found new words to call me as he beat me..._faggot...your mother didn't die to give birth to an abomination...hell is where you belong...filth...filth" _Cas was almost sobbing now, Dean held him as he buried his face in Dean's broad chest.

"Cas stop...you can-", Dean was stopped by Cas suddenly snapping his head, teary but determined blue eyes staring up at Dean, and then another gentle shake of the head.

"that beating almost killed me...after that I pretended to be a good little Christian boy, the beatings and abuse still came but it wasn't as bad...it was coming up to my final year of high school, I'd applied to colleges that were far from home...but then" Cas paused, his eyes momentarily darkening, his voice cooling.

"Cas..you okay", staring into Dean's worried green forest Cas' expression softened.

"I'm okay Dean..I met Meg, she seemed to materialize out of nowhere and I was enthralled, she was the first girl I ever felt anything for, I was infatuated, nothing mattered to me anymore, nothing but Meg...she convinced me to stay in state and go to the local college...so I did, we were together all throughout college, and then after I graduated, I proposed and she said yes.. the first year was hard, she'd grown tired of me..I had just started working at a local accounting firm, something happened and everyone was sent home early...I came home and found Meg...with another man", it was like all the air had suddenly been taken from Cas' lungs, Dean reached out and held his face.

"Cas...its okay..you're okay", Dean pleaded leaning forward and kissing away the salty tears, trying to calm Cas's uneven breathing. Shaking his head, Cas's trembling hands grasped Deans gently pulling them into his lap holding tightly.

"she...she wasn't even sorry, she groaned in frustration, like I was wrong to interrupt before getting out of bed and muttering something like 'I don't get paid enough for this'...turns out my father had found her on some website years ago, she was only supposed to help me find the errors of my homosexual ways...make me stay and then leave..but Meg had other ideas she wanted more money, so she let me get in deeper, threatening my father about revealing things...she told me she was glad she didn't have to keep pretending to be in love with a hapless man like me...I asked whether she ever loved me, she told me in the beginning she found me kind of sweet..I asked how long she's been sleeping with other men...since the second year of college she said...I confronted my father, he laughed saying at least he wouldn't have to continue to pay that whore..." Cas paused, too much pain coursing through those baby blues and Dean was at a loss.

"Cas...I don't know what...I", Dean tried slowly as Cas lay his head on his shoulder.

"...her betrayal was the most painful feeling imaginable...worse then my father's beating... than my brothers words and lack of support..worse then believing I'd killed my mother... so like an idiot I ran back to Meg, telling her that it didn't matter, that I loved her, that we could work out, she laughed and then looked me dead in the eye..._snap out of it Clarence, there's nothing for you here, burn this place to the ground and then fuck off far away..._ and then she kissed me on the cheek and she was gone, I took her advice and left, moved to this city, a year later I got signed divorce papers through the post, and that was that, I never spoke to any of my family... I isolated myself, kept my head down... till I met you", sighing Cas closed his eyes inhaling Dean's scent musky, earthy comforting, Dean lightly nudged Cas, gently lifting his head before pressing his lips to cas', working his plump lips over Cas' chapped mouth, tasting the salt tears, inhaling the sweet and yet clean scent that was distinctly Cas', pulling pack, he ran his hand through his hair, huffing out a nervous laugh.

"you're killing me here Cas...", Dean said, Cas face twisted with confusion.

"I don 't understand Dea-", he was cut off by another rash kiss, making him gasping at the suddenness, pulling back dean smiled again.

"I'm trying to say...that I'm falling for you , you idi-"this time it was Dean who was cut off by Cas' urgent lips.

_AN: this was supposed to be a smutty fanfic, but turns out I'm a sentimental at heart so yeah, there will be smut, just a bit later, anyway thanks for reading, favs and reviews are really appreciated :)_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Heartache

That urgent kiss eventually lead to cuddling, and a tangle of two bodies, tenderly melded together on a small sofa, a calm, warm peace floating above the new lovers, till it was ruined. It had been months since the nightmares, since the horror, the blood, the violence, the torture, the words that sliced deeper, then the knives had, that dug deeper than rope, and then, came the screaming, the thrashing, the outburst, the drumming in the ears, and then a panicked voice.

"D-Dean...stop...Dean!", someone holding him down, he had to fight, had to escape, had to run.

"Dean..please...Dean!", the voice was familiar, slowly the fog began to lift, and green eyes began to focus, landing on frightened blue, and then stillness, hands slipped from his wrist, sitting up, Dean looked around. The table was broken, the sofa overturned, shards of glass sprinkled everywhere, a mess, slowly his reluctant gaze fell on Cas' face, cuts littered his hands and face, a large bruise surrounding his frightened eyes, and Dean gasped, scrambling backwards till his back hit the wall. He looked at his hands, bleeding, shaking, guilty.

"Cas..", he croaked, the small man edged closer.

"Dean...", an uneven, unsure, quite voice replied.

"stop!...don't come near me...don't please...don't", wide, anguished green eyes pleaded, Cas paused.

"Dean..it's okay...its-", Cas tried, but Dean shook his head vigorously.

"no..no..no..call Sammy...call my brother Cas...call Sam", Dean was shaking again, slowly rising, Cas winced as he headed to the bedroom in search of Dean's jacket, meanwhile Dean rolled himself up into a tiny, pathetic ball, shaking, eyes shut tight. Cas called Sam, half an hour later, there was a frantic knock on the door, Sam and Jess both gasped when they saw Cas' bruised face.

"you must be..Castiel", said a gangly, moose haired man, Cas tried to smile but it came out more of a grimace.

"you must be Sam", Sam nodded.

"are you okay?..", Sam asked glancing around nervously.

"I'm alright.." Cas replied evenly, before his eyes fell on the concerned blonde, seeing his gaze, Sam smiled sheepishly

" Sorry erm.. this is Jess..my fiancé", the woman smiled kindly, while Cas nodded in acknowledgement.

"where's Dean...where is he", Sam asked his face falling into despair, Cas stepped aside and shakily pointed to the man huddled in the corner. Sam stumbled forward , making his way to his brother, falling to his knees he reached out gently touching his older brothers arm.

"Dean..." he called out softly, slowly, a head rose up and distraught green eyes, fixed on familiar hazel eyes.

"sa...sa-..Sammy..I", Dean's voice quivered, hearing the pain in his brothers voice, broke Sam's soul, his grip tightened.

"it's okay Dean..everything's going to be okay", Sam said with a weak smile.

"I didn't mean...what have I...done..I should have died..Sammy..I wished I'd died..that day...I wish..", no more words fell from Dean's lips, only choked gasps, and tears, the brothers remained on the floor, tears in both their eyes.

"come on Dean..", Sam pulled his older brother to his feet, he turned to face Cas and Jess who hadn't moved from their spot.

"Jess..take Cas to the hospital,...I'll be following behind in Dean's car", Jess nodded, as she gently tugged on Cas's arm, who didn't move, eyes completely fixed on Dean's lowered head.

"is Dean okay...is he... okay", Cas asked, Jess looked to Sam, who looked at Cas strangely.

"he will be...he will", even Sam sounded unsure, Cas wanted Dean to look at him, but he wouldn't, so Cas let Jess lead him to the car.

"will he really be okay...", Cas asked, Jess turned her kind eyes on the small man beside her.

"I believe so...", Cas nodded before staring straight ahead.

"you're a strange man Castiel..", Jess said awhile later.

"why do you say that?", Cas asked with a small tilt of the head.

"you keep asking if Dean's going to be alright...but you won't ask why... he's not alright", Jess said steadily.

"that's his story... and I want to hear it from him...it's his pain, it's unfair to ask someone else about it" Cas replied evenly.

"you must like him a lot", Cas smiled sadly.

"a lot more than that...a whole lot more", Cas replied evenly, the last few words coming out in almost a whisper

When they finally arrived at the hospital, Cas's cuts were cleaned, he got an ice-pack for his black eye, and stitches for a cut on his arm, Jess remained by his side the whole time.

Once he was done, Cas quietly followed Jess to meet up with Sam, and hopefully with Dean, they met Sam outside Dean's room.

"is Dean okay?...", Cas asked straight away, Sam rubbed the back of his neck.

"he's okay..", Sam replied tiredly rubbing his eyes.

"then..can I see him", a tense silence followed the small request, Sam looked at Jess, before letting his gaze fall back on Cas.

"Castiel..he..he..erm doesn't want to see you", Cas' face remained blank as the words settled on his bruised chest.

"why... is it the guilt...because he feels guilty" Cas inquired, Sam's face confirmed his assertion.

"it's more than just guilt Castiel...it's so much more", Cas nodded slowly.

"still I want to see him...let me see him... Sam" Castiel voice was firm, his gaze determined.

"but..."

"please Sam...just a few words", the firmness was gone, only fear remained in Cas' voice, Sam sighed, he went into Dean's room, it was a long torturous 15 minutes before he stepped out, nodding to Cas, who let out a breath, he didn't know he was even holding.

"you have two minutes...don't expect anything", Sam said gently Cas nodded nervously before his shaking hands reached for the handle and he entered the room, Dean was sitting up, his back to the door, eyes gazing out the window, even as the door clicked, he didn't acknowledge Cas' entrance.

"Dean..I er...just want you to know that I don't blame you.. or hate you... and that I forgive you...so please don't push me away...please don't give up on us... okay...Dean?", still nothing, Cas' hands were shaking as he stared at the back of Dean's head. After what seemed like forever Dean finally turned around he took in the purple bruise around Cas's beautiful blue eyes, the cuts littering his pale skin, the stitches on his hand. Slowly he stumbled out of bed trembling as his bandaged hands traced Cas' bruised face, before they fell to his side.

"I could've killed you Cas... and I almost did", Dean said calmly.

"but you didn't Dean..you didn't mean it and you... stopped", Cas pleaded.

"I don't have the energy to deal with my demons Cas, or yours...and a relationship is out of the question" Cas hated the resignation in Dean's voice.

"Dean..we can do it...we can handle-" Cas tried.

"no, we can't..I don't want the responsibility", a clean, firm interruption sliced through Cas' words.

"Dean..." a whimper.

"it's good this happened now, I would've had to leave eventually", Cas grabbed Dean's arm.

"stop it Dean...I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid..I can wait till you're ready..till-" the look in Dean's eyes, stopped Cas' words.

"Don't wait...because I won't return to you", tears gently trickled down pale bruised cheeks as the words cut through his soul.

"why are you doing this...because it's not for my benefit and I don't think it's for yours either", Dean reached for Cas' hand, firmly pulling it off his arm.

"you're making too big of a deal..we haven't known each other that long...it won't take me long to forget you...you should do the same...forget me Castiel", Cas' heart stopped, he said his full name.

"what if I can't..", Cas' trembling voice asked.

" then you'll be holding on alone... because I won't hold onto you", they stood in silence fresh tears washing over the dried ones, and then Dean turned around, away from Castiel.

"is this really how you want it to be", Cas asked.

"Yes..", _no_

"you want me to leave"

"Yes.." _don't go_

"You won't miss me..."

"I won't...", _I miss you already_

"why does it feel like you're lying to me", Dean swivelled round grasping Cas' shoulders.

"I wish I'd never met you...leave", Dean said evenly pushing Cas towards the door, and yanking it open.

"Dean...please", one last plea, with big blue Bambi eyes.

"I don't want to ever see you again..Castiel", and then Cas was being shoved out, the door slamming in his face. He stared at the door blankly, feeling his heart begin to rip into a million pieces, he turned away, to find jess and Sam staring at him with concern.

"Castiel...", he vaguely heard Sam call him as he began walking down the corridor, tears endlessly caressing his cold cheeks.

After Cas was gone, Sam stood by his brothers door, hearing the painful sobs coming from the broken man inside the tiny hospital room.

**AN; I'm so sorry, my updates aren't consistent, I will try to remedy it, anyway this has clearly moved away from the smut with a bit of plot I was going for... I hope you guys still enjoy it, thanks for the fav's and reviews and follows, they are super appreciated :)**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: kill and save me

It took Cas two days to get his apartment back in shape and return to work, where he pointedly ignored the concerned glances of his colleagues, providing them instead with vague answers to their questions. He tried calling Dean, but his calls always went straight to voice message, so he tried waiting for Dean's call with a sort of pathetic optimism.

Two days, turned to three, three turned to four, four turned into a week, and Cas was beginning to lose his mind, he'd already lost his heart.

Another week passed, 15 days, two weeks, half a month, so many hours, minutes, seconds without Dean, a burning silence was all that was left and then there was a sharp knock at the door. Cas almost tripped as he ran to the door, yanking it open his hope died a little as he was met with distressed hazel eyes.

"Sam..", he breathed tiredly.

"Castiel...can I come in", Cas nodded stepping aside and letting Sam in before leading him to the dining table.

"how can I help you Sam..", and then the gangly man with warm eyes simply broke down and began sobbing, startling Cas who simply watched with wide uncertain eyes.

"Cas-tiel...please help my brother...he doesn't sleep..he doesn't eat...he won't even leave his apartment...all he does is drink...", salty tears fell against large hands, as Sam's gaze left Cas.

"Sam..I don't know what you want me to do...he doesn't want me near him.. he doesn't", calming down Sam fixed Cas with a strange gaze.

"he was lying...you're all he needs right now..he was lying" the urgency with which Sam spoke caught Cas off guard , there was such certainty.

"Sam-" Cas began trying to understand what was going on.

"you still care about him..don't you?", asked Sam pleadingly, there was a long pause and then defeated blue eyes gazed up at the young brother.

"I've been miserable...without him", Cas said quietly as his own tears began rolling down his pale cheeks.

"so will you help him...there's no one but you Castiel please", Sam begged.

"I'll try...I'll try, I'd do anything for Dean", Cas said more firmly.

Cas made a call to work that very day, asking for a leave of absence, he told his boss his father had died and he needed to mourn, the boss offered his condolences and told him to take as long as he needed.

Stumbling out of his bathroom, having emptied out his bowls, Dean was convinced he was still drunk because sitting placidly on his sofa, suitcase in tow was Cas.

"Dean", Cas called calmly.

"C-Ca-Cas...", Dean uttered in disbelief, Cas stood patting his coat as he stared at Dean with those god-damn eyes.

"Hello Dean, have you been well", Cas' gravelly deep voice inquired, Dean stumbled forward grasping the lapels of the smaller man's jacket.

"what the hell are you doing here..how...why", anger, frustration, despair, Cas could here it all.

"Sam", Cas breathed overwhelmed by being so close to Dean again, to be able to inhale his earthy scent, to hear his voice, to see his eyes.

"damn it Sammy!", Dean gritted releasing Cas.

"I don't know what he told you...but you need to leave", Cas stared at Deans back suddenly feeling the need to take a deep breath.

"he didn't tell me anything...just that you needed me", Cas said evenly, slowly Dean turned his tired green eyes landing on Cas warm baby blues.

"Do you pity me..Cas" Cas stopped breathing those troubled green eyes were tearing his soul apart.

"No, I don't...I just want to be near you..in whatever capacity...friend..confident...acquaintance...anything", Cas replied

"leave Cas-tiel...just leave", taking a deep breath Cas sat back down.

"I'm not leaving..I'm going to stay, I won't leave you", Dean was suddenly towering over Cas, a face of thunder.

"have you lost the plot.. are you an idiot, who stays where they're not wanted", standing up, Cas smiled gently.

"do you remember what you said to me, when I was feeling down...you told me I deserved the world, and that anyone who said otherwise was a liar...Dean you deserve the world and anyone whose said otherwise is a liar", Dean groaned running his hand through his head in frustration.

"you better be gone by morning", Dean said coolly before turning and slamming his bedroom door shut, leaving Cas standing in the small living room.

Sinking down onto the couch Cas took a shaky breath, this was going to be long, but he wouldn't abandon Dean, even if he pushed him away, he was going to risk everything on the way he felt about that impossible man with the sad green eyes.

Dean was woken up by the smell of something cooking, groggily he stumbled into the kitchen, his eyes coming to focus on the small man, standing in his the kitchen, using his stove, cooking his bacon, feeling a presence, nervous blue eyes turned to meet green.

Eyes narrowing, mouth disappearing into a thin line, cool words left the faintly open lips.

"I told you to be gone", Cas gulped.

"I..I..couldn't do it...couldn't leave you", Cas stammered nervously, Dean's heart stuttered uneasily but his face betrayed nothing, walking over he grabbed the plate in Cas' hand, Cas held it tight gazing back at Dean.

"throw this away...And leave", Dean insisted the plate began shaking between them, Cas shook his head in defiance, as Dean suddenly let go of the plate, Cas wasn't prepared and the plate slipped out of his grasp shattering against the hard wood, Cas jumped back, while Dean stared wide-eyed with a sort of nervous panic at the mess before gazing back at Cas.

"it's okay..I'll clean it up, it was my fault", as Cas bent down to reach for a pieces of the plate, Dean grabbed his wrist pulling him back, confused blue eyes landed on Dean.

""leave it...and leave", Dean said coolly, Cas offered Dean a small smile.

"no one has ever moved my heart like you do Dean...so I will stay with you", Cas stated firmly, Dean's heart thumped against his ribcage as he became lost in the beauty of Cas' eyes, the line of his nose, the shape of his chapped lips, the contours of his cheek bones, gulping he released his arm.

"you and me..are over Castiel, I want you gone", Dean stated calmly as he turned and headed back to his room, Cas remained frozen on the spot as he watched Dean leave.

As he sank down on the bed, Dean shook his head trying to shatter the image of those hopeful blue eyes, it was taking every bit of his strength to push Cas away, especially when he was so close.

After clearing up, Cas prepared another plate and placed it outside Dean's room, he stood just staring at the door, before sighing and walking into the living room.

When Dean finally emerged from his room, his cold breakfast had been replaced with lunch, and then dinner, he found Cas slumped on the sofa asleep, the TV flickering fluorescent light over his pretty features, kneeling down Dean's hand reached out, but stopped just shy of touching Cas' face, taking a shaky breath he stood up and marched out slamming the door behind him, Cas jolted up rubbing his weary eyes as he stared at the front door. Staggering to his feet he headed to Dean's room, finding it empty, he sighed as picked up the untouched food and wrapped it up before slumping back on the sofa.

It was 1 in the morning when Dean finally crashed in, Cas sat up, book falling from his lap, seeing Dean struggle Cas ran to his side clutching his arm in support, Dean gazed down at the wide blue eyes and his heart began to cry, as he tore the arm away and shoved Cas back.

"don't touch me!...why aren't you gone", Dean's harsh voice rang out through the flat, Cas regained his composure very quickly and took a deliberately big step towards Dean, ignoring Dean's words his eyes fixed on the cuts on his face, his slender fingers rose and gently traced the wounds.

"are you okay...you're hurt.. it must hurt", the concern in that small warm voice struck Dean anew, he reacted by by smacking Cas' hand, who didn't even flinch "let me help you...Dean please", the plea in Cas' voice almost did it, but then Dean remembered what he'd done to that kind face, and he pushed him aside stumbled into his room, and slammed the door shut. Cas leaned against the door " Dean...why won't you let me help..why" Cas asked quietly.

It was almost 3 in the morning when Cas heard the screaming, he jolted up and ran towards Deans room, flinging the door open he found Dean thrashing violently on the bed, sweat pouring soaking his shirt, face tight and twitching with fear, anger and pain. Cas approached softly, gently laying his hand across Dean's Forehead, lips by his ear, he began to sooth him.

"you're okay Dean, nothing can hurt you...you're safe, you're safe, you're okay", Cas continued until Dean's thrashing ended, and his breathing eased, Cas knelt on the floor by Dean's bed, slowly stroking his hair.

And that was how Dean found him the next morning, crumpled on the cold floor, head resting against the side of his bed , arms wrapped around himself, his face pale from the cold. Dean let out a heavy sigh as he tore his gaze away from Cas as his mind slowly remembered the soothing voice that had gently pulled him out of the darkness. Dean suddenly sat up jolting the bed and waking Cas, who fell slightly to the side as his balanced was disturbed, a little red in the face he stumbled to his feet and found himself staring at the side of Dean's face.

"My bedroom is off limits", Dean stated coldly, not looking at Cas.

"I'm sorry...I was trying to help", Cas tried desperately wishing Dean would look at him.

"you being here...just makes me angry, I'd wish you'd leave", there was no warmth in Dean's voice, just a distant coldness, Cas' heart thrummed nervously in his chest, as he tried to but failed to smile.

"I'll m-make..breakfast", Cas said instead as he turned and practically ran out of Dean's room.

Again the food remained untouched, again Dean left without a word, again he returned drunk, again he had painful nightmares, except this time Cas wasn't there to sooth him, because he'd locked the door. This destructive cycle continued on for a few nights, till the crashing from Dean's room was too loud, his cries too gut wrenching, and Cas couldn't take. He almost tore his arm breaking the door down, he staggered in to find the whole room wrecked, and Dean shaking in the corner, Cas approached slowly.

Kneeling down, he took in the small cuts on Deans' arms and face, the way he was shaking, the sweat that had soaked his shirt, and he felt his eyes tearing up.

"Dean..its me...Dean... are you okay", Cas asked gently, slowly a head rose up and teary tired pained green eyes met blue.

"C-Cas..", Dean croaked, and the tears began to fall from sad blue eyes, edging closer Cas raised his hand letting settle in Dean's hair.

"please..let me help you..please", Cas murmured through his tears, Cas hands lowered as his fingers began tracing the cuts on Dean's face "watching you destroy yourself...watching you hurt yourself it's killing me..so please", Dean's own eyes began leaking the tears blurring his vision.

"don't cry...Cas..I really hate it when you're sad", Dean said slowly , edging even closer, Cas settled on either side of Dean's face.

"then stop pushing me away.." Dean gazed into Cas' beautiful blue eyes and lowered his head, falling forward he rested it against Cas' chest.

"you should leave Cas, I'm not worth your time", Dean murmured into Cas chest, Cas' arms wrapped around Dean as he ran a soothing hand through his hair.

"maybe you weren't listening last time so I'll say it again..no one moves my heart like you do..Dean so let me stay with you", hearing those words again set Dean off, and he began sobbing into Cas' chest.

**AN: yep I'm a sap, I can't help myself, I'm sorry for the lack of updates I will try harder, thank you for reading, favs, follows, and reviews, it is extremely appreciated.:)**


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